If You Follow These 3 Steps, You’ll Never Have To Struggle Again
Life is hard, but it doesn’t have to be.
Y’all, I am hardly into my third decade of life. Of course I have no idea what I’m talking about.
In the words of Buddy Wakefield, “There are massive stacks of bad choices in my backyard. Clearly I have not yet reached enlightenment beyond a few fleeting moments. But I’m trying.”
And I live a good life. A life of connection, with myself and other humans, with this world and the void we hurtle through. I come from a place of struggle. Of never being enough, having enough.
I want to tell you how I got out.*
*How I’m getting out. Because living a good life is a practice.
Step 1— Give yourself a break.
When are we taught to be our own biggest critic? I remember learning to forgive others but I don’t remember learning to forgive myself.
It took too long to learn that I did not have to tolerate the inner voice sub-titling every moment of my life with some version of, “Yeah, that was great but it could’ve been better.”
Like who is that? That voice, I mean?
I don’t think it’s capital-G-god because I’m assuming s/he would be a little less bitchy. And my psychologist(s) have confirmed on multiple occasions that I’m a Gemini, not a schizophrenic.
So the only answer is — me. That snarky little frenemy ruining some of my best moments is me! What?!
Why would I do that to myself?
Do I love myself? Yes.
Do I want myself to feel good? Yes.
Does nit-picking every accomplishment, happy moment, feeling, or thought make me feel good? No.
So it’s illogical to continue to allow that sort of mental dialogue. That patterned way of thinking takes years to unwind, though. Learning to give yourself a break takes patience.
How to not be so hard on yourself:
- Set an intention to pay attention to the dialogue. When your thoughts turn critical, of yourself or others, first just notice it. That’s all.
- Manufacture positive thoughts. When you notice the inner dialogue go negative, observe something positive. This will feel cheesy and fake af. Because it is. But it can change the way you think. I’m serious.
- Something I learned about myself through a lot of study can be summed up in this thought: if I could’ve done anything different, I would have. This is giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. Meditate on this idea.
- When all else fails, get couples therapy. To work on your relationship — with you.
Step 2 — Stop trying so hard.
Honey, I know you want to do the best and be the best. And there is so much pressure to do the best and be the best. But stop trying so damn hard.
When you start to be sweet to yourself, when you’ve learned to give yourself grace, you’ll be more willing to evaluate some of your past actions a little more fairly. And clearly. And you might just see that you’ve been trying too hard.
I see it in myself over and over and over again. Every time I try to manhandle life into cooperating, it resists. Not only does it resist, life get’s harder.
I really don’t know why this is, y’all. It’s like I’m a kid at a craft table making little things out of Playdough and as long as I’m just playing around, it goes well. But as soon as I get hyper-focused on building something specific, it all falls apart. I end up over-working the dough and the colors get mushed together and the dough dries out and here I am smashing my palm against the mess in frustration.
There is something to be said for being a bulldog who wrestles problems to the ground. I am that person. But when, no matter how hard you try, it’s just not coming together, I recommend giving yourself the room to walk away.
What would happen if you let it go for awhile?
Step 3 — Pay attention.
If you pay attention, what I think you’ll notice is that it just might take care of itself.
One day, whatever it was might not matter anymore.
Or maybe it will all come together in an unexpected way.
Or maybe it unfolds exactly as you wanted.
I know that sounds crazy. I read Martha Beck’s writing about manifesting an iPad and I was like Umm hard eye roll, lady.
While I’ve never had expensive Apple products show up at my door, I have seen big problems I normally would’ve struggled with just work themselves out.
Make an experiment out of paying attention.
I like to imagine my intentions as little paper sailboats that I make and then push out onto a body of water. Where do they go off to? I dunno. But they are easy to make and cute so it’s fun and I’m happy to do it.
Then I forget about them.
But I do pay attention to my life.
I have a daily practice of listing three things I’m grateful for in my mind before getting out of bed. It helps me notice. And sometimes I notice one of the things I’m listing was once metaphorically written on a little paper boat I sent out to sea.
When you pay attention to your life and notice those little coincidences, it helps build your faith in abundance. And that faith is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve seen it come to fruition in my own life. It’s pretty neat.
