Meditating to Meet Myself
Silence. Silence. Silence.
When I think about silence, I think about the sound of my blood rushing through my ears. The sip and suck of breath in and out of my nostrils. The way the inside of my mouth tastes when I haven’t had anything to eat in awhile. Like skin and maybe coffee but also water. Or maybe tears.
I seek out this silence. Often. I get intentional about it, y’know? In the mornings, I’ve become that person. Breathing in and out, in and out, until my body is physically vibrating with fresh oxygen. And then dropping. Down down down into my silence.
In this way, silence is surrender. It’s a turning away from distraction and a turning towards the knowing of the Universe. And it’s also a coming home. To my true self.
It’s here that I sit most mornings, slightly itchy and rarely patient, waiting for her to show up. Sometimes she appears like a blossom of bright-soft pink light at the base of my pelvis. Other times, she is a blue mist hovering millimeters off of my skin. My favorite is when my core begins to resemble a cavern and she trickles down from my esophagus in the form of liquid gold and hovers, suspended and undulating, in the darkness.
And on some days, she doesn’t come at all.
I’ve had to train myself to feign cool indifference as to whether or not she arrives. The slightest hint of excitement when the colors begin to appear and she’s gone. Poof. It’s rare to bring her back. And impossible to hold her present if I try.
So my posture in meditation has become one of openness. Not waiting. Not doing. Just open. I used to show up with a lot of gusto — shooing away thoughts, straightening my posture, thrumming a mantra with each inhale and exhale. As if my whole being was shouting into the void, “Let’s do this, baby!” My energy was so loud in that silence.
I’ve found now that a short walk or set of sun salutations before meditation moves enough of my energy out of the way for me to settle. To soften and slip into the silence. Ground first in my body by acknowledging the senses. Then drift beneath the skin and witness.
